| Sudden outburst, I need to pour everything I'm feeling inside now!
Who or what would have become of me if He didn't draw me back to Him?
Everything that I have, He has given, everything I needed, He has provided.
No one and nothing can be compared to Him. He has sustained everything in this universe, He has sustained me.
I want to seek Him everyday for the rest of my life. Even in my sufferings, I want to glorify Him!
Everything that I do, think or speak, to edify Him! To be sanctuary for Him to dwell.
I want to love Him with everything that I have; my whole being and soul, to worship Him in spirit and in truth.
I have tasted and seen, I know that He is good!
Never will I allow anything to rob me of the joy that I have in Him!
Decided to share my testimony (the one that I usually share during Mission Trips).
Had qualms about pasting this here for the world to see, but, because He has been faithful, I decided to share: I was born into a Christian family and I gave my life to God when I was still very young. I knew who God was and how He had died for me. All I knew was that once I believe in Him I will have eternal life. Easy way to Heaven, I thought.
However, I never really lived a life as a Christian. I was just Christian by name. I just led life the way I wanted to live. When I was younger, my parents were perfect! Happy and wonderful! They loved my brothers and I with everything they had. When I was in primary school, my mother started working. She was busy and was hardly at home. Sometimes I would stay out in the living room, sleeping, waiting for her. And more often than not, she never came home. When I was in primary school, I hardly had proper dinners, I lied too often, forged signatures on my report cards when I did badly and started getting lazy when it came to school. I even turned to black magic – Ouija Board, relying on it to get to a high school I wanted to go. Of course, I didn’t go into the dream school I wanted to. As I grew older and when I was in high school, I started mixing with the wrong company because my parents hardly had any time for me. My friends were there for me! They spent time with me and loved me! My parents were not around to guide and to teach me. My mom fell into depression when her sister’s company fell into bankruptcy. All her hard work had gone to waste, the late nights and months of unpaid salary, all gone. She wasn’t the mother I had before. I hated what was happening at home. My parents fought and argued constantly, violence broke out at home and I saw police frequently coming to my house to cease the fighting. My mother got injured and was frequently in and out of the hospital when my father hit her. Once, she even had to get stitches on her head. I recall one night when I was sleeping, my mother came into my room and started slapping me, punching and pulling my hair telling me I wasn’t her daughter. My dad came in and shoved her away. That was the first time my mom was sent to the Institute of Mental Health. Why? Why was my family so dysfunctional? In school, I started rebelling, I skipped classes, I stole things that I wanted from strangers, shoplifting became a habit, and even stole from my own friends. I was vulgar and rude to my parents. I hated them. I hated my life. I frequently cut myself to relief the pain and hurt I feel. I found joy being around my friends. I didn’t like going to church because I felt it was pointless in going since all the unhappiness continued. Sometimes my parents would force me but I would sneak out of church secretly. I started smoking and hanging out late with bad company escaping from everything that was happening at home. I even got myself drunk many times, illegally. All these happened when I was barely 16.
I recall an incident on a Saturday morning. I woke up to arguments in the house again. My younger brother and mother were fighting and arguing. My father was out of the country playing golf as he would every Saturday. While things at home were turning ugly, I started crying in my room, cutting myself and asking myself what is the point of everything that’s happening? I didn’t want anymore of it. I’ve had enough.
I wanted out. My mother and brothers left the house soon after to see my grandma at the hospital. I did not want to go; I didn’t want anything to do with my family. I decided this was the end. No more of this. Where was God when I needed Him? Where was He when I cried every night? Didn’t He feel the hurt and pain I was? I walked to the kitchen and opened the first-aid cabinet. I took out a new box of Panadol-Extra and emptied all the contents in it. I was crying and crying and knew I would disappoint my family and my good friends. I started texting my parents and my good friends. At this point I was unaware of what was happening around me. When I sent the messages to them, I lay in bed and cried. The minute two of my friends received my messages they rushed to my house (they stayed nearby).They rushed me to the hospital and at this point I was losing consciousness. My friends were crying and screaming for me to keep awake. The next minute I knew I was being stripped naked and needles were in me and the nurses were pumping my stomach. It was one of the most painful experiences. The police came to take my statement for attempting of suicide and I had to undergo counselling during my stay in the hospital. None of my family members came to see me that day. However, in the night, my father came and told me that my grandmother had just passed away. I was screaming and blaming God. Why?! Why let me live? Why put a young girl like me through such heartaches and leave me with such difficulties?! I was barely 16! What’s the point of it all?
I cried constantly during my stay in the hospital. My mother never came to visit me. And during my stay in the hospital, I saw my father and elder brother cry seeing me in my state. The first I saw my dad cry was when I slit my wrists so badly, a scar still remains.
My pastor and his wife came to see me. And his wife cried and held my hand telling me that God feels hurt seeing me like that. I cried and told her that I never feel that God was with me through it all. But she told me that God was always with me but I failed to recognize Him, failed to acknowledge Him and always ignored Him. He promised He would never leave us nor forsake us. Both of them started praying for me. I felt freedom and relief. Then, she shared with me a psalm from the Bible. Psalm 27
“The LORD is my light and my salvation – whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life – of whom shall I be afraid?
Hear my voice when I call, O LORD; be merciful to me and answer me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, O God my Saviour.
Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.
I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.”
My life slowly changed after because I know that no matter what, I always have this hope in God. Situations and difficulties will come my way but I know that the LORD holds me in His arms if I allow Him to and will never leave me nor forsake me.
Today, my mother is a patient of bipolar disorder and things in the family aren’t always perfect. There are still bouts of quarrels at home but I have a hope in God and for everything there’s purpose for it. I haven’t had a mother to turn to for over the past 10 years but during these 10 years I have experienced God’s amazing love and I know that the LORD has brought me thus far. He has been faithful and has made me to be a stronger person today. He is still in charge and I don’t know what’s ahead but I know He has wonderful plans in stored for me.
Now, I am a born again Christian. I love and embrace the fact that I have been chosen by Him. Nothing will separate me from the love of God.
God Bless, Rhea |
